I had a scattered morning today. Mornings are not my strong suit. I get really sick pretty much every morning because of my Celiac disease, so anything rushed or out of order really tends to throw my mornings off. I actually had an appointment today with my tummy doctor, which caused me a lot of anxiety. Then I had to rush to get to class on time. I hate rushing. I like to be busy but I prefer to take my time with things and not cause myself unnecessary stress. It might be selfish but I just perform better that way.
Anyway, I ended up getting to my class on time and lucky for me, my first class was yoga. Towards the end of the practice, my teacher, Lisa, said something that really struck a chord with me and was stuck in my head all day and is the topic of this post. We were doing hip openers and she kept telling us to just let go. To just not be afraid and just fully sink into the pose. (The pose was a modification of pigeon) Then she said the words that really sung to me It's much easier to hold on than it is to let go .
That's honestly just sent off smoke signals in my brain. It just rang so true to me and all the situations that I've been going through lately. She spoke about the physical manifestations of the fears to let go. For example, we couldn't let go of our thigh muscles and sink into the pose because it was just simply easier to hold on than to worry about getting hurt, doing it wrong, etc.
Even though holding on may be easier, it ends up causing more problems and hassle for us in the end. When she first said it, I immediately thought of Kyle (ex-boyfriend). I held onto that relationship for so long and for so long after, even now, I still haven't let him go in my heart because I'm scared of what will happen if I do. I'm scared that I will lose him forever if I let him go. I'm scared of letting go of that tiny chance that we will get back together. I'm scared of letting go of all those dreams that we had together that shattered the second he walked out that door.
But what is holding on doing for me? absolutely nothing. It causes me pain, anguish, stress, anxiety, anger and sadness. Then why do I hold onto it? Because it's so much easier than dealing with the raw emotion and pain that comes with fully letting someone go and moving on.
But I'm going to do it. I need to keep reminding myself to let go, but soon it will become habit and eventually he will be a distant memory. Look towards the goal. The goal is happiness. The goal is always happiness. And freedom. I need to free myself from the wrath and blossom.
I took little steps today towards letting go. They may seem small and trivial but they really helped me so much today and gave me that reinforcement and reassurance that I needed. I needed to know that letting go would bring me joy. And it did, even in the simple ways.
First, I didn't straighten my hair. (I told you it was small and trivial!!) Lately I've been straightening my hair every day because I had some notion that I looked better that way and it needed to be done. But today I just decided to let it go. To see what happens. To experience the unexpected. And I thought it looked great. And I got a lot of compliments on it! It made me so happy to just let it go. And it saved me so much time! I'm not saying that I'll do it every day, but holding on to that routine caused me more hassle and letting go only gave me a positive outcome.
I also didn't wear makeup today. And I even made a video without makeup. It's all about the inner beauty. And I felt beautiful today and I felt radiant because I knew that I was on the right track, that I had come to a realization and I was taking action. What's more beautiful than that?
And for the final and my favorite example of letting go from today. I taught a yoga class today to kids with mental disabilities. It was such an enriching experience and I'll be doing it for an eight week session which I'm really excited about. Chris was part of the class today. And the class involved the kids and their parents or siblings doing it along with them to help them get into the poses and stay focused. So of course I was Chris' partner. He did incredible. He always does his best and he was just radiating. And I know how hard it was for him to relax and stay focused and he tried his absolute hardest. The best moment came when we were all laying in Savasana which is corpse pose where you just lay on your back, eyes closed and just be present in the moment. And Chris was trying his absolute hardest, squeezing his eyes closed and trying to breathe softly. And I just sat next to him and held his hand and whispered "quiet, keep your eyes closed, shhh, etc" and at one point he opened his eyes and looked right at me and started giggling which made me start to giggle uncontrollably. We were both on the floor laughing so hard at absolutely nothing. We were in fits of giggles on the floor. It was something so simple yet so powerful.
I hadn't felt pure absolute joy like that in a very long time. Just thinking about it makes my heart just feel lighter. It just pure happiness. Pure laughter. Pure love. Pure joy. And all because I wasn't afraid to let go. I was present in the moment. It wasn't even a conscious decision to let go. I just did it. And that alone, simply led to true bliss.
That's how I know that letting go will work for me. I was much happier letting go than I was holding on. I will keep that moment fresh in my mind as a reminder of happiness. True bliss.
Ciao for now,
ps: here's a picture of me, no makeup, hair not done, but still happy :)
& here's one of me and my giggle partner :)